Past my bedtime on a Sunday night

Bad habits I've picked up

• Salting food before tasting it
  
• Chewing gum

I'm looking forward to dinner tomorrow. To celebrate coming out on top after some busy weeks, our team is having Mexican food at Covent Garden.

What I got done this weekend

• Went to the gym twice
  
• Booked accommodation for my upcoming trip to Germany
  
• Cooked 'quick meatball casserole' from my favourite recipe book. Tonight's dish plus 'oven baked risotto' takes me up to 14% of the 101 recipes.
  
• Roasted herbed chicken and potatos (with paprika)
  
• Did a mega grocery shop
  
• Researched and bought an MP3 player
  
• Cleared my inbox

Things I didn't get done

• Tidy my room
  
• Make Greek salad, stuffed peppers, Mapo tofu or sausages in chilli tomato sauce (but I bought the ingredients)
  
• Laundry and ironing
  
• Getting my hair cut
  
• Finish reading Guns, Germs and Steel
  
• Process all the photos from my Chinese New Year weekend.

Sarcastic dreaming

I had another bad dream last night.

I was staying in a hotel with my classmates (we must have been on one of our class trips). It was dinner time and I was trying to collect food at the buffet but I kept dropping my plate. I was getting frustrated and hungry.

Finally, I got to the cashier with some food. They told me that they didn't recycle at all at the hotel.

'What?' I said.

The cashier didn't care. 'So? Trinity College throws out furniture. That's worse.'

I stare at him incredulously. 'Yes. That is worse... And why don't you steal as well? There are people murdering out there. That's worse than stealing.'

Stuck

I had a bad dream last night. I dreamed that I found the perfect place to live in London and when I met the girl I would be living with, she didn't use punctuation, was a nail technician and charged me £7 to paint one of my nails. I didn't want to live with her :(

I will be living in London from October and have been wasting time, energy and angst looking at rental ads. I can't stop thinking about it. It's a waste of my brain space because:

1. Most of the ads are for moving in this month or next. October ads aren't out yet.
   
2. I've only got three more weeks to wait until I hand in my dissertation, then I can look for places to live more productively.
   
3. I've only got three weeks to write my dissertation.

But my brain! My brain is stuck in a loop! I don't know how to get out except to just make a decision so I can stop thinking about it. But I can't make a decision because I keep changing my mind about what I want and there are no October ads yet.

My wish list

• I can get to work in less than twenty minutes.
  
• The neighbourhood is safe.
  
• There is a park nearby where I can go for a walk.
  
• I do not feel like I'm wasting money.
  
• I have intelligent, friendly housemates who use punctuation, aren't having parties all the time, don't smoke, and don't drink themselves silly.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop thinking about it! Aaaaargh!

Frightened and inspired

Emerging from solitary weeks of writing, today I went to the first of three days of our dissertation conference. The thirty-six members of the class are presenting their research to date. Presentations are followed by questions.

I am frightened and inspired at the same time. I'm frightened because of the impressive amount of rigour in other people's study design. I feel like a fraud in comparison. Somehow, I must persuade others that my results are valid and reliable.

I am also inspired by how interesting and useful people's research is. For eight hours today, my brain was filled with non-Joan-shaped thoughts and that gave me ideas for my own work. I went home, eager to tweak my presentation, looking forward to my turn to present on Wednesday.

Before I started this course, I knew two things about research: that it often a lonely occupation, and that it is a hard slog. I was warned about this and I have experienced it to be true. I also knew that good research practice includes collaborating with people and sharing ideas to ward off loneliness and stagnation, and that the best way to slog through research is to work nine to five, even in the most uninspired times.

Despite forewarning, I did not follow these two guides and it has been to my detriment. Because I didn't have the willpower to hack through the lows, I feel the pressure now. Because I am under pressure, I feel like I can't spend the time to talk to people and socialise. Because I don't talk to people and socialise, I am unproductive and low.

Maybe this conference, enforced interaction, is what I need to break the cycle.

Joan-shaped thoughts

My thoughts fit into my head comfortably. I've had nothing but Joan thoughts for days, maybe weeks. They're all the same shape, they sound the same, they use the same words. They're familiar, they don't challenge me and I'm sick of them the way that one is sick of eating the same food every day.

I had a great day today. I wrote 2,500 words. I went for a walk at the cemetery. While I was there, I realised that the reason I felt so uninspired was because my brain is full of Joan-shaped thoughts, which I forced myself to pursue to wretchedness.

Someone once described to me what it is like when he meditates. It isn't that his mind is empty. He lets his thoughts enter as usual. The difference is that he watches them drift by without following them. There is no need to follow thoughts. They can come in and leave as they want.

Di told me about a woman who would spill a bowl of rice grains on the floor. She then uses a pair of chopsticks to pick up the grains one at a time. When the bowl was full again, she pours the rice out and starts again.

In the corner of the cemetery, there is a little stone house. I thought a priest lived there because it looked like a miniature church. The house was open today and I went in. It turns out that it is the home and studio of an artist. While I was there, about ten other people came in to look at her prints and sculptures. The patterns in her work helped me not follow my thoughts.

It was nice to get a rest from thinking.

Treading water

I feel like I'm treading water. I have six weeks to get to the end of the pool but I feel like I'm not progressing. I am sick of it. So uninspired.

I have to present my findings on Wednesday. It's a twenty minute presentation. I'm sick of thinking about this topic. I want to think about something different. I don't want to read my own writing anymore.

AAAARGH. BUT I HAVE TO. I HAVE TO KEEP GOING.

Waaaaah....

Hungry!

I was hungry today! I finally got over my recent unhungriness.

At least, I think I was hungry. My tummy didn't feel funny like last time but I kept thinking about food and wanting to eat. This was at about 7 PM so it coincided nicely with dinner.

Witness the transformation!

From Joanie Sloth...


...to Joanie Bee!

Eight computers, unhungry again, and unproductive

On the weekend, I spent 6.5 hours cutting open dozens of cardboard boxes, pulling out eight sets of computer towers, monitors, keyboard, mouses, software, assembling them, crawling under computer desks to wire them up, plug them in, untangle them, rewire, uninstalling trial software, installing indispensable freeware, installing Microsoft office, setting up a wireless network, printer network, riding to electronics stores to buy more power boards, setting up administrator and user accounts, setting defaults for printing, security, software updates, registering software, flattening cardboard boxes, piling them into a mountain of tired cardboard.

Today I posted a box of software back to the computer store, was on the phone with tech support to troubleshoot a dead DVD-RW drive on one of the new computers (turned out the computer assembler didn't plug the power into the drive), picked up two new toner cartridges and installed them, posted instructions for accessing the wireless network on the wall, updated security settings on the computers, and helped someone with the wireless settings on their laptop.

Exhaustion.

In the past week, I have lost my appetite. I eat breakfast and lunch as normal. By the time dinner comes around, I prod my stomach and am still unhungry. I've skipped dinner about four times in the past week.

If you're not hungry, is it better to eat something as scheduled or not eat?

I haven't changed my level of activity. I ran around doing the computer stuff on Saturday, biked four miles and walked the same on Sunday, ran around carrying boxes today.

Besides puzzlement about my lack of appetite, I'm worried about all the food in the fridge. I bought enough groceries to feed normal Joan appetite. Now there's too much food. Lack of eating led to three of my potatoes turning green and white and fluffy.

I ended up cooking a big pot of vegetable curry to stop any further deterioration. That was on Thursday last week. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep the curry.

I wasn't hungry today but I ate dinner anyway. I hate wasting food.

I've decided not to buy any food this week and live on the dried foods in my cupboard, plus 10 eggs. I might buy some milk and a bit of fruit too.

Maybe I've been eating too much all my life. For each meal, I would typically eat one or two sandwiches worth of food mass (I rarely eat sandwiches but you get an idea of the serving size). It will be hard to change my concept of 'meal' to something smaller.

I haven't been productive at all for the past three weeks. It bothers me. Mostly, it's my own fault. I get tired and instead of working through it or walking it off, I sleep or read or go on the internet. Like now.

Everyone and no-one wants to save the world

In the last eight months, I have met and read about many talented and idealistic young people. A few of them have even said they would like to be Prime Minister of Australia or the leader of another country so that they could make real fundamental changes in the world.

We should feel encouraged by such passion and activism in society's youth. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is 'Too many cooks spoil the broth.' My second thought is then, 'That's not really fair, Joan. Democracy isn't like a kitchen. The more people engaged, the better.'

The third thought, which is there all the time, is 'You're on a bandwagon, Joan. It's a tired old thing, naive and egotistical. Why don't you get off and let the others save the world? There seem to be plenty of leaders out there, some of whom will be effective.'

These past few weeks, I've been thinking hard about why I'm an engineer. It often seems futile, designing sludge drying beds for water recycling or developing a green purchasing policy for a company. There are economic and technological systems that need reform out there. Can an engineer ever do more than tinker at the edges?

I was in bed on the edge of sleep and asking myself, 'Why do you want to work on the big picture problems, Joan? Is it ego? You don't trust anyone else to make the 'right' changes? You look down on the very necessary and difficult work of on-ground implementation? You don't want to be a faceless worker bee?'

Then I imagined myself in a happy perfect world in which I didn't have to strive for change. I think that day-to-day I would be content, dancing, visiting friends, eating, taking photos. But without an overarching life goal, I don't think I would be satisfied.

I haven't quite got it yet but it's something to do with 'meaning' and 'purpose' There's something about making a lasting, fundamental difference in the external world that motivates me. It is intrinsic in the fabric that makes up 'Joan'. It might also be a search for approval but not (I believe) power and fame.

Understanding this makes me start to understand that others aren't like me. Plenty of people go on with life without trying to change the world. I often get upset with these people (most of society). To me, it seems selfish to aim for nothing more than to earn enough money so that you can go on annual overseas holidays or have weekend parties or relax in the garden or buy a new car.

But maybe (surely) other people have different things that provide their lives meaning: religion, family, friends, travel and experiences, science and discovery, winning, playing, their business...

Still, I think that there are a lot of people who live their lives without meaning. Sam de Brito wrote about a woman who 'started to cry as she spoke about the goat track her existence had become; a worn, weary path between bed, her desk at work, the couch, then bed again.'

Does my life goal to 'make a difference' make me morally superior than the person whose life goal is to 'step foot in every continent of the world' or 'put my children through private school'?

Rationally, no. Intuitively, I still have trouble accepting that intelligent and caring people can be comfortable not acting on global issues of justice, equity, ecological damage, and the future. The corollary of that is that anyone who isn't an activist cannot be intelligent or caring. Again, rationally, this can't be true but... I still feel it.

I wonder how many formerly idealistic people are laughing at me now? Here I am, just another naive young thing waiting to be processed and brought down by real life.

Joangineer

I am putting on my engineer's (hard)hat tomorrow. I have to be an engineer again. I am speaking to 50+ people about why I came Cambridge and why I am a better engineer for it. How to talk about myself in public without sounding like a twat? Interesting problem. I've done it before but I'm afraid I will be twatful tomorrow.

It's surprisingly easy, going back to being an engineer after months of being a social scientist, business student, technology policy scholar, and change agent. Even when I tried to think of non-engineering examples for my 'script', I couldn't. All I came up with was engineering -- it was all about construction and industry and water and sludge. I guess... I guess that's what I am.

I kind of resent it.

You know what I need? I need an engineering role model. I want to talk to engineers that deal with the biggest of big pictures. I want to meet engineers who don't always go for the technical solution (Don't kid yourself, renewable energy is a technical solution. Why aren't you dealing with demand management?). But maybe those that do that aren't engineers, then.

As you can see, I am a bit crazy tonight.

Here is an example of engineering.


Isn't it clever? Instead of using a spring to keep the gate shut, we have something even more low-tech. It's a weight! Attached to a chain! Gravity does it all! How fantabulous.

You know you're an engineer when you plan a trip to Paris and want to go to the Sewer Museum.

Random news generator

Hahaha... See The Onion on 'Middle East Conflict Intensifies As Blah Blah Blah, Etc. Etc.'

The Onion has exposed the Random News About the Middle East Generator.

Sometimes I get assignments from my lecturers that look like a string of jargon strung together. I read the briefing again and again, and still, I'm scratching my head over what it means.

I once made a gaffe in class by audibly commenting, 'Oh, it's Random Assignment Generator again.'

I'm struggling through an essay due 5 PM tomorrow. I had a panic attack last night because I suddenly thought, 'Oh my God, am I writing the right thing?' I felt like I couldn't possibly be. What I was writing felt so meaningless and inane.

I feel better about it now but it's been a b**** of an essay to write and now I'm off to bed to put it off until 4:30 AM tomorrow.

Deep breath

I'm feeling anti-social. Talking to people is a bit of an effort. I've been writing through the waking hours of the past four days. For the people in my course, the term starts tomorrow. I know I have to write four essays and one report in the next ten days. Before that marathon starts, I have to read lots and think more. I don't even feel like eating chocolate (yet).

Okay, here goes:

WHINGE

WHINGE

WHINGE

WHINGE

The turmoil of dreams

There are two weeks to go before I leave for Cambridge. After a few days of moping, at mid-morning on Friday, I decided to be cheerful. Then, at 5 PM, I realised that this was for real -- I had to say goodbye to people I care about. It was harder than I expected.

I am about five hours of work away from finishing my dispute resolution essay. It will be a relief when it's done. I think it will turn out all right too. I expected it to be sub-standard, given my rush, but I think it'll be fine. I didn't do any work on it Monday to Friday this week. I needed a break; the topic was saturating me. The break seems to have worked.

I've been having dreams that reflect my state of mind so accurately that if I was living a novel or a movie, I'd mock it for being contrived. A week ago, I dreamed that I was on a spaceship to Mars. I was leaving my family and friends behind to join the colony.

On Mars, we landed in a tall dome, the first in a series of them. The roof was blue like the sky, the buildings were rectangular and single blocks of bright colour. There was only one street and it stretched ahead of me. I fought my way through the crowd of colonisers and joined a queue to use one of four internet computer terminals. Come to think of it, it was a lot like the internet terminal at Singapore Airport.

I eventually got my turn at the computer. I had only 15 minutes. I tried to type an email to tell my family and friends that I missed them. For some reason, I had trouble typing -- and someone kept moving my mouse. Like in the movies, just as the timer counted down the final seconds, I fought the invisible mouse-pusher to get the cursor onto the 'send' button.

I don't know if I got to send the email.

I had another dream a few days later. I dreamed I was sitting at a desk. It looked like a desk in a pod like at work. I was working on something, then before I knew it, some people had come around and taken away my computer. Then I saw pinned to my pod wall my university timetable. I started panicking when I realised that I had already missed two classes today. I had forgotten that I was a student again.

Core dump

I'm tired and there's lots of homework to do. I've got one month to go. Oh my God. That's so soon. Damn, I need to finish these assignments.

Sorry. Tired.

I don't have time for this

My old worries have come back with a vengeance.

For my previous Negotiation subject, I had to pick a conflict I wanted to deal with. I chose to negotiate with my boss to get the company to pay for my next subject. I did well out of it -- the company agreed to pay for half the course fees and 2.5 days training time.

One of the things I agreed to do in return is to write my assessment piece (3000 word paper) for the client that I'm currently working for in Shepparton. I was happy to do this; there are some good disputes to write about here. The trick was making sure the paper would be useful to the client and also meet the academic requirements of my university.

Everything was a bit more urgent, though. The paper is due in October. I wanted to submit it by mid-September before I go to England.

Being the good girl that I am, I started scoping the paper out early. I spoke to the client. I consulted with the lecturer by phone and in person. I drafted a proposal for my company.

Then, as I was filling out the research proposal for the university, I saw a tickbox that asked, 'Does this research require ethics committee approval?'

What's ethics committee approval?

My lecturer told me that you need ethics committee approval if you're going to get information from people for your research. I was going to interview my client, of course.

"Erm. It sounds like you're going to need ethics committee approval, Joan," he said.

"Okay... How long does that take?"

"Quite a long time, I think."

Crap.

"If it's about two weeks, I'll wait for it," I said. "If it's any longer, I have to think seriously about changing my topic and reneging on my deal with my company and the client."

"Let me check with our department's representative on the ethics committee."

And while that was happening, I emailed my college at Cambridge to find out why, with only 1.5 months to go, they still hadn't made me a room offer. I needed somewhere to live.

Dear Joan,

Thank you for your email.

We are just awaiting confirmation from the Board of Graduate Studies before being able to confirm your offer and therefore allocate accommodation.

Oh no...

The Board of Graduate Studies won't enrol me until they get a letter from my current university to say that I have finished all my assessment. Until I submit that final essay, I won't be officially enrolled and I won't have a place to live.

My current uni lecturer emailed me back to say that the ethics committee say that it usually takes four weeks for research applications to get approved or knocked back.

AAAAAAAAARRRRGH!

I don't bloody have time for this!

WAAAAH!

I feel even worse because I have to break promises to lots of people.

And now I have to work like a demon to get all my assessment done. I don't want to fly to England without being enrolled at university or college.

What I've decided

Thank you for the advice and support I got in response to my rant about my study choice. I really appreciate it. It was a small and benign choice to make, one that shouldn't have bothered me the way that it did. Thank you for indulging in my hysteria.

The next day, after I had calmed down, I closed my eyes and decided to continue the subject. Nothing terrible can happen. Once the decision was made, most of my unhappiness disappeared and I could start thinking about other things.

I'm going to be as smart as I can about it by doing everything I can early. I've already scoped out an essay topic for the next subject. In fact, I'll base the topic on some of the issues I'm working on in Shepparton. That's a bit witty, isn't it. If I can't go the library, the library will come to me :)

Unfortunately, such was my eagerness to book flights, set up a bank account, get my UK visa, that I've jumped the gun. I had set everything up for my arrival in the UK on 27 September. Yesterday, I got an email saying my orientation is on 25 September. It means I'll have to fly up a few days early.

Does anyone know what might happen if my UK visa starts on the 27th but I arrive on the 24th?

Stressed out

I'm distressed at the moment because I'm having trouble making a decision. I'm aching with indecision. The arguments are so finely balanced that I change my mind from minute to minute.

I am studying a Graduate Certificate. I have one subject left. I intended to finish it before I left for Cambridge but I've started to think this will be a bad idea. I'm still working on an essay for my previous subject and it's taking up all my nights. I would really like to have my nights free in August and September so that I can pack up my life in Australia and say goodbye to my friends and family. My fear is that instead of doing that, I'll be sitting in front of a computer.

"Let's have some goodbye drinks for Joan!" they would say.

"Sorry, guys. I have to go home and write my essays." The essays are thousands of words.

It's even worse because I'm working from Shepparton. It's been hard for me to look after myself in Shepparton and do my homework. My homework has been getting done over the weekend. That means no weekends for Joan leading up to going away.

AAARGH. THE AGONY.

Cambridge has made it a condition on my enrolment that I finish my Certificate. I'm almost certain that they would let me defer my studies if I asked. In fact, I have asked via email but I got a auto response vacation message.

I've also put a lot of effort in negotiating with my company to pay for half my subject costs. This funding would be lost if I decided not to do the subject this year.

Another very important issue is that I would have to take five days off to go to class. This pains me because it would take me away from my work in Shepparton. I already have to wind up my work in Shepparton early so that I can pack up my life. Do you mean I have to take even more time off?

WAAAH. It hurts!

I think of the hassle that I have to go through to do the subject: I have to do pre-reading and submit training request forms and a leave application form.

Then I think, "Maybe it won't be so hard to study in the months leading up to going way. Maybe I'm exaggerating it all in my head. I've already scoped out a good research paper topic and will be writing the paper for the client. This is a great chance to make a good impression."

YAAAAAARGH. I've changed my mind again!!!!!!!!!

In other news, I was headhunted today. Someone from another engineering consultancy called me and asked to meet up for coffee. We did and he said that if I was interested, his company would make me an offer. This was despite knowing that I was going to England in September.

Procrastinating

I'm procrastinating, big time. I haven't procrastinated this much since... well, since I last had to do homework. I'm meant to be writing an essay. Damn.

My problem is I'm going to Europe in two weeks for a three week holiday. Three days after I come back, I have to present my research paper. Instead of having five weeks to write this thing, I have two weeks.

My lecturer is very reasonable -- I have a two week extension on the final paper. But that doesn't help me for the presentation. It's better I do this now.

Apoplectic

My dance class:

"I don't like it. It's weird."
"There's no beat there, you're making it up!"
"Can't we do it like this? It's easier."
"I don't want to do that dance at the concert. I don't like it. I just don't. Let's do 'Don't Cha' or 'Bitty'."
"I don't want to dance -- the other class looks better!"

FREAKING HELL. You don't like it -- like that matters! I'm here to learn and you're wasting my time. Why should it be easy? Why should it be 'normal'? Why don't you challenge yourself? You're being lazy. Dance over the beat. Make it look good. The teacher can do it, it's not impossible. Stop whinging and just get on with it!