Coconut Joan: Literal

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Literal

What happened

"Hello, Enoch speaking."
"Hello, this is Joan. Is Elaine home?"
"Yes."
[Long silence]
"Um...Could you get her so I can speak to her, please?"
"Okay, then."

What I should have said

"Hello, Enoch speaking."
"Hello, this is Joan. Is Elaine home?"
"Yes."
[Pause]
"Okay, just checking. Bye."
Beep, beep, beep...

Glossary of terms

Annual Work Filing Festival n. Three days in late November or early December during which the year's work is filed into folders for future reference. Involves the generation of large amounts of scrap paper. See October 31, 2004.
anti-Joan adj. Feeling annoyed with Joan because she is too talkative, insincere, self-centred, energetic and/or thoughtless. See August 8, 2004.
audience snobbery n. Disdain for inexperienced audiences that clap at the wrong time during performances of high art (opera, ballet and fine music). The most successful Audience Snobs generally have a Bachelor of Snobbery. See November 14, 2004.
boredom threshold n. The minimum number of interest events per hour required to prevent the onset of boredom. See March 1, 2005.
chaser n. Person who approaches his or her OoA, often with forward-ity. See comment in September 26, 2004.
chasee n. Person being pursued by the Chaser for a romantic relationship. See comment in September 26, 2004.
cheese sandwich n. Blog entry that re-tells the day's events. See July 3, 2004 and July 25, 2004.
climber n. Someone who walks up or down escalators instead of standing. See December 10, 2005.
conversation initiator n. Someone who feels comfortable in propelling conversations by asking questions and introducing new topics. See December 7, 2004.
conversation reactor n. Someone who enjoys providing thoughtful replies to questions and extending existing topics. See December 7, 2004.
communal adj. Shared amongst many people. When on holiday with friends, communal resources include chocolate, tomatoes, leftovers and single people. See July 17, 2004.
dEBAYcle n. When an eBay transaction goes wrong. Usually involves laboured and frustrating communication with people from overseas. See February 3, 2006.
enviro n. A person who works in the environmental field. Variation viro. See June 22, 2004.
extra-workular adj. Outside the scope or activities of paid employment. See June 13, 2004.
forward-ity n. Unsubtle behaviour, especially to capture the attention of your OoA. See comment in September 26, 2004.
Google-stalk v. To dig up ancient news about people by searching for references to them through the Google search engine. See July 18, 2004.
hobblit n. Someone who limps. See December 10, 2005.
inlandish adj. Not outlandish. See January 21, 2005.
interest events n. Events that prevent boredom eg. An involving conversation, food, a social email, a fire drill, a cute guy/girl walks past. See March 1, 2005.
interlacer n. Someone who undertakes tasks by starting with an outline, then gradually refines it by filling in details. Analogises with interlaced JPEGs. See May 5, 2006.
iPod tryhard n. Someone who uses white earphones in order to pretend to others they have an iPod. See November 3, 2005 and May 19, 2006.
Joan-shaped thoughts n. Thoughts similar in scope, sequence, voice, and position as those generated in Joan's brain. See July 15, 2007.
joinworthy adj. In an world that bombards you with daily invitations to sign up to this social network or that service, a group or cause that offers you genuine value is 'joinworthy.' See March 12, 2007.
junk food n. Any food subject to the disapproval of more than 30% of society. Includes coffee. See October 31, 2004.
kiddy n. Anyone I teach (dancing, tutoring or piano), regardless of age. See June 26, 2004.
ladder n. A model for the ranking and separation of Friends and Potential Mates. See August 8, 2004.
long distance wind n. The challenge of staying together in a long-distance relationship. See April 28, 2006.
MEET n. Mandatory Energy Efficiency Target. A regulation that requires all appliances, processes and technologies meet an energy efficiency standard. See comment in June 16, 2004.
OoA n. Acronym of Object of Affection. See comment in September 26, 2004.
performing monkey n. Someone who behaves in a way that is uncomfortable or unnatural for their personality or mood in order to entertain someone else. Examples include taking up someone else's interests and hobbies, feigning happiness, and consciously trying to fill silences in conversations. See October 1, 2005.
pinpointingly n. Exactly to the extreme. See June 19, 2007.
post-purchase support n. Messages to reinforce the merits of a purchase in attempt to quash the buyer's misgivings, having already bought the item. See February 3, 2006.
routine envy n. Sensation of wishing one's own dance choreography could be as funky as the Jones's. See June 26, 2004.
scenariocise v. To propose a scenario. See September 20, 2004.
schmooze v. To network, especially at functions you haven't paid for. See December 10, 2005.
Servant's Day n. Synonym for Mother's Day or Father's Day. See May 8, 2005.
ski To fall over then resign oneself to tobogganing and snowman making. See June 27, 2004.
sticky-beakedness n. Personality characteristic, the urge to meddle. See June 28, 2004.
sub-loan v. To lend to somebody something that you have borrowed from someone else. See May 19, 2006.
Superlifekarma Girl n. Girl with all the answers. See October 4, 2004.
tall average adj. The taller end of the range of average height (used in same way as 'upper middle class'). See October 1, 2005.
transist n. v. To become. Corruption of 'transit'. See September 20, 2004.
trooble n. v. a word having the same sequence of numbers as another word when typed on a telephone keypad. eg. Good is a trooble of home. Joan is a trooble of loan. See September 17, 2005.
Two Bag Phenomenon n. The fashion amongst female office workers of carrying two bags, at least one of which is an exclusive store bag. See February 22, 2005.
unhungry adj. The state of not being hungry. See October 29, 2005.
unklutz v. To undertake a program of work or training (e.g. beginners woodwork) with the aim of becoming less clumsy. See December 19, 2005.
weakling-ness n. Component of life that defines a person as a weakling. See June 13, 2004.
wuffin n. Waffle made of muffin mix. Variation maffle. See August 2, 2004.
wussilyadv. To do in a wussy manner. See June 10, 2004.

Coconut Joan

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Literal

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Literal

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